In June of 2007, I was overjoyed to find out that I was pregnant with our first child. We had been trying to get pregnant for about a year, and I was just about to go on fertility medicine when I found out, so we were extremely excited. My due date was March 15 2008. I had a wonderful first trimester, with no morning sickness, and everything seemed to be moving along quite well. My first ultrasound was at 8 weeks, and everything looked perfectly normal.

We went into my 18 week ultrasound on October 12, 2007, which was when we were going to learn the sex of the baby. Unfortunately, we were given the terrible news that something was wrong with our baby. His brain seemed smaller then it should be, his heart wasn't forming correctly, and he had an omphalocele. The dr. thought it was a chromosonal disorder, and suggested an to confirm. We had the amniocentesis done, and went home for one of the worst weekends of our lives.

Our amniocentesis came back with a diagnosis of Trisomy 13, which we were told is incompatible with life. Now it was time to make a huge decision, we could abort the baby (I was surprised to hear that it could have been done and over with that very day if we so chose) or we could choose to carry the baby and hope for the best - the Dr. would support us with either decision.

We had already decided that it was God's choice to give us this baby, and it should be God's decision when to take him, so we were going to enjoy what we could of his life for as long as we could. I honestly didn't even consider the fact that he could die any time, I thought for sure I would carry him to term. We had scheduled a thorough ultrasound and echocardiogram with the hospital for October 31. I was very anxious to see my little boy again and filled with hope that we would get the news that he was progressing better then thought. When we got there, the ultrasound technician could not find the baby's heartbeat, and we were told that he was dead. I was in total shock, I had just felt him kicking more then ever just two days before this, and this was the LAST thing I had expected to hear.

We were told our only choice was to induce labor, so we checked into the hospital that evening for the most horrible experience of my life. Little Ethan finally came into the world on Friday night, and he was SO beautiful. He was TINY, 8 inches, 9 ounces, but he looked so normal. The only thing that looked abnormal on him was his stomach, because of the omphalocele. We got to hold him, which was so wonderful, but so difficult. I am so thankful for the time that I did get to spend with him, and for experiencing him kicking in my belly, that will always be so special to me.

People have asked me if I feel angry, and ask Why Us, but I don't, I know that God chose us to be the parents to Ethan for a reason. I think he knew the strength of our relationship with each other and with God was strong enough to withstand this tragedy - in fact it has given us a closer bond with each other and God. Our faith is what is getting us through this. I know the Lord is watching over us and that Ethan is in heaven with him, which gives me peace.

Andrea Ratzow
andrea.ratzow@comcast.net